there are three things that make an experience:
there is very little we can do about the actual event once it has occurred, we can change how we respond.
Once we change our response, we naturally change our cognition. It is the initial reaction that causes for a situation to be considered "learned from" vs "damaging memory".
An example of this is when my younger brother flooded the bathroom. He did not mean to, but it still caused quite a bit of damage to the floor. My parents' reactions were not that of calm understanding. Having had a long tiring day, they did not want to have to deal with a flooded toilet and so were very upset with my brother. He felt unneeded shame for our parents were not willing to stop and breathe; had they done so, the flooded toilet might not have been so bad.