Monday, December 5, 2011

The Six Stations of Divorce

When going through a divorce, there are six stations that near everyone will go through. Theses stations are:

1.       The emotional divorce
2.       The legal divorce
3.       The economic divorce
4.       The co-parental divorce
5.       The community divorce 
6.       The psychic divorce

The emotional divorce has to do with the loss of trust, respect and affection that had been felt towards one another. During this stage, instead of supporting each other and trying to separate with as little damage as possible, the spouses react to hurt one another, to frustrate and diminish their self-esteem.

The legal divorce is where the courts are brought into place and an official end is brought to the marriage. It is during this stage when the partners are free to feel the relief from the legal responsibilities that befell them while yet in marriage. 

The economic divorce is the division of property and assets. It is in this station where most of the arguing and frustration occurs. The economic divorce is difficult for three reasons; 1. no one feels they are getting their full share, 2. arguing over who should get what (the house, the car, etc.), and 3. a sense of loss when each realizes they will now live without the other half of their "home". 

The co-parental divorce (experience only by those with children) can be brutally painful. This is do to the battle over custody, visitation rights, and continuing parental responsibility. Parents often feel responsible for and want the responsibility of the children and in the course to gain that responsibility, they damage the children; using them as weapons to hurt the other parent.

The community divorce is where each of the partners leaves one community of friends and relations and enters another. This is to avoid uncomfortable situations where members of the social group may fee more sympathetic toward the other member of the divorce and may feel resentment towards the member at hand.

The psychic divorce is the final and most crucial separation in the divorce, it is where the individual most accept the disruption of the disruption of the relationship and regain a sense of being an individual rather than part of an intimate couple. this step is crucial in each persons mental, emotional and physical well-being.


Saturday, December 3, 2011

How We React as Parents

There are three types of parents: autocratic, permissive, and active.
The autocratic parent is authoritarian - direct, pressure, do it my way or else, few to no choices, high demand-no communicate, high want-no love, child set to fail.
The permissive parent is permissive - the child walks over the parents, high love-no responsibility, friend vs. parents.
The active parent is authoritative - structure with love.

Parents, depending upon what type of parent they are, react to problems differently. 
The autocratic parent generally reacts harshly or not at all, thinking that the child needs to learn their lesson; whether that is by punishing or letting the consequence fall upon them.
The permissive parent generally lets the problem slide or will only give light words of warning, but will not do much to prevent the situation from happening again.
The active parent will generally analyze the situation and then decide how to react.
 
When a problem arises,  it is important for parents to ask “who will be affected the most?” “who is motivated by it?” “how can I solve this problem so that it will not affect … the most and so that the right lesson is learned?”
If the problem is the child's, it is important for the parents to let the child learn their lesson from the experience and be a support through it.
If the problem is the parent's, the parent must analyze the situation and decide whether the situation requires a more-structured response, or a less-structured response.

More-structured:  
Logical consequence
FLAC Method
Less-structured:
Polite request
“I” messages
Firm directions

There are three instances where the problem is the child's but it is the duty of the parents to interfere, these are when the child is in DANGER!!!!, the lesson they will learn is too far off in the future for it to mean anything and when the end result of the problem affects someone else.

It is important to make the children responsible for what they do and to have them learn the lessons that will keep them from making those same mistakes again, without traumatizing them. 
 

Monday, November 21, 2011

Money Management

Problems in money management has been the leading cause for divorce.
A couple who does not talk about the money and ask the questions such as: what are our plans? are we gong to use a retirement plan? are we making a budget? what is on the budget? etc. are more likely to argue about the money and how it is being spent. It is because of this that when the couple goes into debt, blame and frustration always arise and the couple is unable to think clearly about the situation nor are they able to think clearly about their spouse.
Communication and planning are very important, but sticking to that plan is even more important. When a plan is made but one or both partners betray it, blame and arguments arise. The sense of betrayal creates a deep wound and takes along time and much work to fix the damage done, though the memory will never leave.
Mind that it may be very hard to make and keep a budget, but it is very much worth it.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Together as One

Communication is key in all relationships, especially in marriage.
Note, there are many different forms of communication and several of them get the same message across, but that does not mean talk speech from the list, if anything add more. There is little way to misinterpret a string of communication when two people are fully committed to that discussion, listening, looking and speaking with one another and confirming their understanding.

When communication is not clear, there tends to be a resentment forming; one partner is resentful for they feel misunderstood all the time, or ignored. The other partner is resentful because they do not understand what is being asked of them.

Talk to your partner and if needed ask again and restate in different terms as to not fumble the message and bring your partner and yourself together again.

Monday, November 14, 2011

turning bad into good

what makes an experience bad or good?
there are three things that make an experience:

A=actual event
B=behavioral response(s)
C=cognition(s)

there is very little we can do about the actual event once it has occurred, we can change how we respond. 
Once we change our response, we naturally change our cognition. It is the initial reaction that causes for a situation to be considered "learned from" vs "damaging memory".

An example of this is when my younger brother flooded the bathroom. He did not mean to, but it still caused quite a bit of damage to the floor. My parents' reactions were not that of calm understanding. Having had a long tiring day, they did not want to have to deal with a flooded toilet and so were very upset with my brother. He felt unneeded shame for our parents were not willing to stop and breathe; had they done so, the flooded toilet might not have been so bad.